I can't believe that the one year anniversary of my mother's death is in 17 days. It doesn't feel like its been that long ago. I still think about her everyday.  People keep telling me that after awhile it won't hurt as much. I hope there comes a day when I can think of her with crying. I try to remember all the silly things she did and all the fun times we had. Miss you mom xx

This week has been bad. I feel as though my medicines are not working at all anymore. I can't get any doctor to see me soon enough because I am a new patient and new patient appointments take and hour. They all have said if you really feel that bad that you cannot wait to see the doctor I should go to the ER. I am feeling very discouraged and impatient.

For 27 years off and on I have been on anti-depressants. All these medications work on me for short periods of time. I have had several psychotherapists over the years and none have been able to help me. I keep switching therapists hoping that I will find the one that will cure me. Like I had said previously I have tried ECT that has negatively effected my memory and the positive results only lasted a short time. I often feel that there is no hope of me every feeling happiness again. However, when I was discussing this with Kris my therapist she mentioned something to me that I had never heard of before called the brain pacemaker. The brain pacemaker was created to reduce tremors in Parkinson's patients (http://psychcentral.com/news/2012/04/05/brain-pacemaker-relieves-severe-depression/36974.html). Much like a heart pacemaker it uses a low electrical current to provide stimulation deep into the brain thus increasing the production of serotonin. This procedure is costly and as with any surgery there is the possibility severe complications. While this is procedure has produced positive long term results for many patients, I do not think that it is the right fit for me.

Most days I feel so depressed I cannot function, day to day activities take a lot of effort for me. However, on the days where my depression allows me some relief I try to educate myself on my illness. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a wonderful resource. NAMI has local chapters in many areas for help and support. Check out NAMI.org to find your local chapter. No one is immune to mental illness. It can happen to anyone at anytime. Close to 60 million people suffer from some form of mental issues every year (NAMI.org). In college I wrote a paper on depression because I wanted to learn more about it and hopefully learn why this was happening to me. While I researched for the paper I learned a lot about the condition and about all the stigmas out there. I have had people say to me, "just snap out of it" or "you think you have problems, look at me I'm the one that should be depression". Like my pain is somehow less important than theirs and it makes me feel guilty like I have no right to feel the way I feel so I often apologize for it. It doesn't matter if a person is rich or poor, what race they belong to, or if they are male or female. Every person has their own unique set of circumstances and no ones pain is any less than another's. We should not assume that because a person may look like they have everything that they are happy.

Abraham Lincoln once said "I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forbode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me" (World Health Organization, 2011).

When I was in the hospital in 2011, the ward I was in had an art therapy session everyday. This session was the only one I actually looked forward to every day. I am horrible at art, I can't draw very well at all but that didn't matter because it wasn't about being perfect it was about getting my feelings out. Lately I have had the image in my head of how I would describe how I feel.  In this picture I am laying on a bed made of cold steel, in a dark cement room, with a dark thin blanket. The only light in the room is the crisp clean white sheets and the light from the little window. The light from the little window is the only light I get and the window is out of my reach. While I am laying on the bed I just stare up at the widow and wish I were out there but I am trapped in my own little world singing my favorite songs.

It's okay to laugh at my despicable drawing, I do.







In a Deep Blue Funk

 

 

 

I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, or any expert but I have suffered from depression for 27 years. I won't go into detail about how my depression started because although it made me who I am the past cannot change and I have chosen to forgive and let go. Depression is an illness it does not just make someone feel sad and hopeless, it causes physical symptoms as well.  

 

The purpose of this blog is to journal my progress and hopefully help someone else going through the same problems. Over the years I have developed a very low self esteem. Therapy has not worked for me because no matter how much I try or what medication I try I cannot change the opinion I have of myself. I have tried just about every anti-depressant there is and none seem to work for very long. I am what they call treatment resistant. In 2011 I was hospitalized because my depression got so severe that I became suicidal.  I tried electro-convulsive therapy (ECT). ECT worked for a while but it requires periodic maintenance treatments. I am now on Lamictal and Zoloft and the positive effects that I initially felt has worn off. I am trying to be hopeful that the right medicine is out there.  Wish me luck